Oxford English Dictionary defines Happy as Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

Okay, the basic feeling of happiness is just that, pleasure or contentment but on a deeper level what does happy mean?

I guess, to me, happy is being loved. Being surrounded by those who love me unconditionally and support me in my life endeavours. Happy is enjoying what I do to earn a living. Happy is really bad jokes that you laugh at because they're so awful. Happy is family, friends and support.

There are definitely times where I'd consider myself not happy. When I have to worry about things that I didn't before, like not having enough money to give my mum a good birthday present or to help pay for things. Like my whole life changing because I wasn't warned about something. Like feeling so alone and lost because too many things have weighed down on my and all at once things fall apart. These are the times where you have to focus on those things that you'd consider you're happy because it's those times that you really need them. You need them so you don't just fall apart.

It's okay to struggle. It is... You know why?

Everybody does.

It's okay to have times where things aren't at all happy because everyone has those moments in life, those pinnacles where things will change but you have to decide whether those changes will be positive or negative. Just try to remember that it's okay. It's hard. I know this first hand but it's okay if you have those things that you consider happy. Your happy people, places, things.

This kind of thought always gets me thinking of questions we used to be asked in school. We always said, when asked where we'd be in ten years the answer was I'll be successful. That's the other one that takes a little more thought. What is success? Being a good friend, parent, person? Excelling in your chosen career and being appreciated for all your hard work?

It's another personal definition.

What do you all consider happiness to be, where does your mind go when you feel low?
I've got a song recommendation today for those of you who are maybe having a down day or those of you seeking some inspiration, this one has me waxing poetic lately.

Billy Locket - Wide Eyed (X)
Give it a listen and let me know down below how it makes you feel.

Cheers

This mornings blog prompt asks me:
What is you're most vivid memory of the kitchen table as a child?

This question takes me back years to a large oval oak dinner table that stood proud place in the middle of our kitchen and held many a Christmas dinner and far too many slightly offensive jokes for me to recount all of. It wasn't just a table. It was a beacon, it was a hub. It was a place to throw my schoolbag while I shucked off my uniform and it was home to hundreds of marks of homework and craft projects; it was home to coffee rings as a central gathering point for family discussions and arguments about inane things.

The kitchen itself bordered a large pale yellow room. Our kitchens where yellow because yellow is happy and bright and it just felt right. We had so much counter space even if half of it would be taken by countless appliances and kitchen gadgets that we managed to acquire over years and some of which we still have.

There is, in existence, years worth of pictures of my relatives gathered around this table. Cousins in nappies and nieces with toy lawn mowers and an incredible amount of love. The dinner table is my most vivid memory of out kitchen as a child. Piling things onto the dinner table where we'd have day long baking sessions and effortlessly moving around my mum and my sister in an endeavour to help, watch, learn, everything.

When we moved (downsized) We had to leave our table behind. We had to leave the memories of everything that happened there with another family. For another family to add to. Our kitchen table (that also had sections to make it even bigger) was like those door frames where you'd measure your height from a young age, we had one of those to and I took several picture before we left. It's the marks you make on things that hold the most sentiment.

I think this is funny because it's ground into you that to write or draw on something is to destroy its worth but with things like tables and door frames is makes them special. The marks of things made them home.

Out kitchen now is about the size of our downstairs toilet at the house but we make it work. We still own some of those wicked appliances that let us make our own sausages and bake until we can't bake anymore. I still adore the moments where Me and Mumma are moving around each other, even in a significantly smaller space. And that always gets me waxing poetic about my family and how much I love them and how different things might have been if one tiny thing had changed, if we'd never moved back from Spain or if dad had stuck around.

That's a conversation for another day.

If found some really great quotes by some really cool people about the kitchen and I thought I'd throw them in here.

I got all my boyhood in vanilla winter waves around the kitchen stove - Jack Kerouac

In examining the potential of individuals, we must focus on their strengths and not just their mistakes. We cannot be limited by what we spill in the kitchen. - William Pollard

I really liked that one.

I started at 5 years old at the kitchen table with my family supporting me. I know where I'm from and I known exactly where I'm going. - Celine Dion

This next one sounds like something I'd do. 

If there's something in the kitchen I like, it must be eaten. I try not to leave any snack I wouldn't want to eat on a daily basis in the cupboard. - Jenna Ushkowitz

This I can relate to on a very deep level.

I've been my mom's kitchen helper since I was a kid. - Taylor Swift.

Since my kitchen is the most important part of my home, I want to be creative and innovative, not only in its aesthetic but also in the tools I'm using. - Blake Lively.

As usual It's time to turn it back onto you marvellous people.
What's your most vivid memory of the kitchen as a child?

Cheers

I like my own company. I love being on my own.

I like the things I can control and I can't control other people.

Not being able to control things scares the crap out of me.

If I was honest, unquestionably honest with both myself and all of you guys I would admit that I'm actually a really selfish person and that because of this I don't want anything in my life to change.

At the heart of it, that's what scares me. What has always scared me. Rejection and judgement.
My self esteem has never really been all that high and a lot of this was to do with the fact that I always saw myself as 'the fat one' even if other people didn't. I'm working on that and while how I look and how I feel about myself are things I can actively change it may take a little more time to adjust some aspects of my personality that are less than desirable.

But that's okay.

It's a step for me just to accept that sometimes I'm not really the 'nice person' that I've always considered myself. I always thought 'it's okay that I'm fat if I'm nice right?' well not if that 'nice' is to the detriment of my mental health. That's not right.

I hope I'm not wrong to admit (any of my friends are more than free to correct me) that I have anger issues. I bottle up things that should be let out at more appropriate times than on another friend who's done nothing wrong. It was always my biggest flaw and for all of those that experienced me snapping at them for no reason, I'm sorry. I'm trying here.

I have always let people walk over me, said yes when I wanted to say no and done things because it's what is expected of me. I still am, I'm not sure that this is something I can change overnight, I guess no negative personality trait is.

It's clear to me that while I try my best to do things for others, I'm also selfish at the same time. I'm selfish in the things I can control, the way I dress, the music I listen to, who I choose to be friends with. I won't compromise on what I want with the things I can control and I think this is a really huge part of why I'm single and have been for the last three years. I can't control what someone else thinks of me. I can't control how someone else might judge my clothes or my music and too many times in past relationships I've sacrificed who I was to be who they wanted. I changed so much about myself and now I finally know who I am I can't hide myself again to please anyone.

I won't.

Perhaps one day I'll meet a dude who fits in my life perfectly or when I'm at a point in my life where I'm willing to compromise on what I can control to find who I am with this other person but only time will tell.

I can't tell you what the future will hold.

I wouldn't want to know even if I could. We take one day at a time knowing that any one of those days could hold the person or the opportunity that will change my life.
I'm not stressed or anxious about my future because it could change in a day and so could yours.

C'est la vie.

Cheers

We're a small family so this isn't all that easy.

We've never really been the family who has huge parties where all of the family comes because when all of the family used to be less than 20 people and more than half of those where cousins who I don't really see anymore.

Our family has grown of late with two arrivals due this year and a whole new section of family via my brothers girlfriend so I suppose now, if we got what I would consider the whole family together it would be considerably larger with Jen's Family and all of my sisters boyfriends family we could probably have enough people to rent out a small village hall with a fair amount of excited children.

In my eyes, family is someone whom you share a bond with and by bond I mean that my blood relate sister had a son with her boyfriend and while I've always considered him family, to me, all of his relations (blood or otherwise) are family to me to. Likewise with my brother, (actually stepbrother but they've been in my life since I was two so it seems inaccurate to call them anything else) his previous marriage gave him two daughters and with his girlfriends kids, her family and a new arrival due this spring would give us a very large gathering, that large in fact that a good portion of those I'd call family wouldn't even know each other.

We're also quite spread out now, I was talking with a very good old friend of mine about this just the other day. We got talking about how after high school everyone just sort of disappears and goes there of their own way and while this hasn't greatly affected me (it's common to not keep in touch with school friends) up until last year it seems that with my other brother now moving away to work his dream job we're spreading out even more.

We've always been close otherwise though, not always geographically but in terms of keeping contact and telling each other things and I've always loved that and while that's not changed too much it has become apparent that distance isn't always conducive to keeping close relationships.

It's hard having grown up to close with my sister for her to now be halfway across the country and while I've not had the same relationship with my other brother, I must admit it will be quite strange to not have him around again.

I don't think I had a favourite relative growing up and if I had to pinpoint one, I'd probably say one of the 11 of 12 cousins that I had because we where almost the same age and bonded over boys or something.

Again I'm going to turn the questions back now.

As a kid was there any one relative that you loved more than everyone else, a grandparent or a cool auntie perhaps?

Cheers

This is actually a semi-difficult question for me, I liked a few things at school.

Thinking about it though, this could have been a lot to do with the other students in my classes and the teacher.

GSCE English was a favourite of mine but I think that has a lot to do with Mr Doddman (the only person I would allow to call me 'tina) who would be proud of the fact that I know that a lot isn't one word. I'd say it also had a fair amount to with my best friend who was also in this class but actually during my GSCE's was the time where I actually paid attention to my English and looking back now, it's where I'm improved my writing the most.

Maths in year 10. Just year ten. Well. Okay. So Year teen was the best year of maths because of the teacher but not because he helped to actually improve, he did but that was a side effect of paying attention, anyone who went to the same high school I did will remember Ben White. Mr White who tried so very hard to convince that his name was Bart. He was a crappy liar. Mr white who had my older stepbrother whilst doing his A-levels As a damn classroom assistant so I had to get everything right and ask my own damn brother for help. This was only countered by the fact that I didn't hate maths and I got to be smug when it was right. Mr White was a pretty good looking guy and most of the teenage girl and if statistics are accurate some of the boys. I had a crush on my maths teacher. I'll admit that because That crush meant that I got what I needed to when it came to the exams to get to college and I guess I'm thankful for that.

I liked art, I always did, I'm not good at drawing and though logo's are my forte they only really require imagination, which - if I can blow my own trumpet here - I'm not short of. I was also the creative kid and even now I'd rather make a bracelet than buy one. I always enjoyed following a project from research to completion and that joy followed me through BTEC Art and Design and then into HND Graphic Design at college where it was still vital that we showed how we got to a design (much to that chagrin of a few classmates). I always hoped that I'd be doing something in which I would have an outlet for my creativity and I still hope for that in my future.

I enjoyed IT, I had a few different teachers for It over the the years but I'm pretty sure my best friend was there from the year we me onwards which always made it a bloody riot. To me, IT was easy. I grew up around technology and I know my generation all did but we always had nice things in my house, laptops from the age of like 12 or 13 I think because we'd always argue over the damn desktop PC under the stairs. So it was something I always found easy, I don't think I even remember hard projects or tasks in IT, Perhaps I'll ask a few people I remember from IT classes but nothing really jumps out.

My enjoyment of science changed year to year and was deeply dependent on the teacher I had. Three teachers that taught my classes realty stood out for a few different occasions. The first was my Yr 7 form tutor Mr Dallimore. Mr Dallimore and his shag-on wagon (his old beaten up beige van that he eventually traded out for a bike). He never actually taught me in a science lesson but once during our tutor time first thing in the morning, he pulled out a static machine that a few of us got to put both hands on, that was a lot of fun.

 The second in order was Mrs Hilliyard. The teacher who enjoyed the pop that hydrogen makes when you put a flame to it, the teacher who liked to take an old water cooler container and add some nail varnish remover because it's fun and burns with a pretty purple flame or the teacher who decided that one science lesson, on her birthday that science was boring and for that hour we went outside and played British bulldog.

The third was Mr Brown, whose actually still a teacher there 6 years later and who me and my bestride got a chance to catch up with last year. I remember two main things, one of which was the brass bangle he always wore on his left wrist and the second, much more fun thing is his damn remote control car. He had a remote control Subaru and he let us drive it around the classroom once. I, of course, was the only girl who volunteered to drive it, Spoiler alert, I was awful, and it was a hell of a lot of fun. I'm not even sure I remember what the lesson was about!

Of course there are the teachers that we all hated. Mrs Mackenzie. God. This woman, I'm pretty sure she hated children, just in general because she had no patience - we know, we tested it regularly - and no sense of humour, the lesson where we'd walk in and she'd have replaced our regular teacher were the worst. I can imagine that we were probably a nightmare and I'll own up to the joy of testing her when she didn't think I was listening. (I'd be chatting to a friend, deep in conversation and she'd then call my name and ask me to repeat what she'd just said. I did, every time. Ha!) This was the woman who called more than one of my friends stupid or childish. A teacher!

I got one teacher fired before the age of 11 too. There was a sub teacher in primary school who used to try and joke with me by taunting me and I remember him once saying "nice hair shame about the face". I've asked and old school friend about his name because for the life of me I cannot think of it!

I remember maybe half of the things that I was actually taught in school and I always think of my teachers when I do get it right because I know it was because of them, it was because I had teachers who were passionate to pass hard earned knowledge about stuff. Even those teachers that I hate taught me some thing I still remember, even if it is when to keep your damn mouth shut, Doctor.

Irregardless, High school was a pretty fun time, it was a time to start trying to find out who you are, first crushes and kisses and dances and for me it was a time to find even that one friend who knows everything about me and who loves me anyway. I don't think I could pinpoint a favourite subject if I wanted to and I'm sure it changed at least monthly based on how I was feeling and let's be honest here, my mood swings were rollercoasters in school.

I want to turn it back to you now, what subject in school was your favourite and was it anything to do with the teacher?

Cheers

We've owned some pretty cool things in our family.

My step dad knows a lot of people who deal antiques and that means that he's bought home some pretty interesting things.

The first one to note is a pub slot machine.

This is mum on her first go. We used it as a change pot mostly, we'd gather up anything under 50p and use put it in until we ran out. It was one of those things that was completely ridiculous and a hell a lot of fun. It was moved around the house once or twice too, started in the kitchen then into the living room where my niece would get the coins out the bottom and put them in her dress like a pocket.

The second thing of note was an electric organ. I'm mad that I couldn't find a picture that I took of our organs but it looked a little something like this.  We kept ours in the garden because we really didn't have anywhere else to put it and when we had to get rid of it I kept the Wurlitzer badge that is in a box of mementos along with a stupid flexi-pencil thing from some museum and a tissue paper colour chart when I made in school.

Another few things that include our oak chest of draws on which sits our TV. along with mountains and mountains on wool for mum and embroidery thread for me. Another - easily - £100 worth of sewing supplies of which we made fantastic use of.

It's one of those times, and my step dad is one of those prime examples of - It's not what you know, it's who you know. He's one of those people who knows someone everywhere we go. He's been to The Flogit! Presenters house (Paul Martin) to talk about some cool old stuff. He's also met a number of known TV Presenters of shows like Antiques Road trip such as Charlie Ross, whose is lovely, apparently. I'm sure to some of you reading this will mean nothing but to us, in this house...
For us, who are subjected to these TV shows over dinner that much that we kinda enjoy it, it's kinda cool.

There's a lot of things that you might not know about your closest friends, the thing is, you just have to ask. If you want to know something, ask me. I might take a little time to formulate and answer or tell you that it's hard to talk about but usually I'll give you an answer. I'd say I'm quite a trusting person and if you've earned it, I'm an open book.

Trust is important and it's hard sometimes to put that trust in people who are relative strangers but when you put your trust in the right people, friendships are born.

Trust me.

Cheers

I never really thought I had a reason to blog, I'm not famous and I'm not suffering from nothing life threatening. I don't really have a story.

I guess initially it was a way for me to get my feelings out. I write when I need to make sense of something or because I just need to express it and if that is then posted then you all get to read the inner workings of my conscious mind.

I think now though, it's evolved from that. It still is a way or me to talk through everything with the imaginary being on the other side, and for that it's pretty therapeutic but it's also becoming more about connection.There's so much noise in life. TV and film, magazines and who's been photo shopped and why? There's so much distraction from what, in essence, I believe everyone is truly craving.

Genuine human connection.

I'm going to bare my soul a little here. I'm surround by people I love, my family and friends are everything but sometimes I'm still lonely. I'm single and I have been for, ohhh... Three years, going on, thing is I'm honestly perfectly happy on my own with no one else to worry about (anyone who knows me well can attest). I just think as I'm hurtling towards 25 at a speed of life that I'd not think I can keep up with, half of my school friends are either engaged, married or have kids and I'm sitting back here, behind my desk wondering what the actual hell just happened. Did I blink and miss the part where my life is supposed to happen? Did I take the wrong turn and miss meeting the person who will change my life or is that just me?

They say if you don't like something to change it. Only you have control over your life.

Excuse my Explicit language. I think this is bollocks.

Sure, on some level as you're growing up there are 10X more things that you can control about your life that you couldn't when you were a kid, like your bedtime and when you eat but sometimes, but even at 22 there are 100 more things about my life that I can't control and I think,  I need to remember that I can't control everything and for now that's okay, a few more years and just maybe I'll be where I think I should be. Maybe I'll be right here, but that's okay too.

I guess the reason I started this blog was to get my thoughts out but I think if i can make just one person read one of these things and go 'uhh, you know what, I'm a bit like that and that makes me feel better' then I'm on a good track.

I'd love to know what you guys are think about this, any of what's above here and you're more than welcome to throw some comments down below.

Cheers.