I like my own company. I love being on my own.

I like the things I can control and I can't control other people.

Not being able to control things scares the crap out of me.

If I was honest, unquestionably honest with both myself and all of you guys I would admit that I'm actually a really selfish person and that because of this I don't want anything in my life to change.

At the heart of it, that's what scares me. What has always scared me. Rejection and judgement.
My self esteem has never really been all that high and a lot of this was to do with the fact that I always saw myself as 'the fat one' even if other people didn't. I'm working on that and while how I look and how I feel about myself are things I can actively change it may take a little more time to adjust some aspects of my personality that are less than desirable.

But that's okay.

It's a step for me just to accept that sometimes I'm not really the 'nice person' that I've always considered myself. I always thought 'it's okay that I'm fat if I'm nice right?' well not if that 'nice' is to the detriment of my mental health. That's not right.

I hope I'm not wrong to admit (any of my friends are more than free to correct me) that I have anger issues. I bottle up things that should be let out at more appropriate times than on another friend who's done nothing wrong. It was always my biggest flaw and for all of those that experienced me snapping at them for no reason, I'm sorry. I'm trying here.

I have always let people walk over me, said yes when I wanted to say no and done things because it's what is expected of me. I still am, I'm not sure that this is something I can change overnight, I guess no negative personality trait is.

It's clear to me that while I try my best to do things for others, I'm also selfish at the same time. I'm selfish in the things I can control, the way I dress, the music I listen to, who I choose to be friends with. I won't compromise on what I want with the things I can control and I think this is a really huge part of why I'm single and have been for the last three years. I can't control what someone else thinks of me. I can't control how someone else might judge my clothes or my music and too many times in past relationships I've sacrificed who I was to be who they wanted. I changed so much about myself and now I finally know who I am I can't hide myself again to please anyone.

I won't.

Perhaps one day I'll meet a dude who fits in my life perfectly or when I'm at a point in my life where I'm willing to compromise on what I can control to find who I am with this other person but only time will tell.

I can't tell you what the future will hold.

I wouldn't want to know even if I could. We take one day at a time knowing that any one of those days could hold the person or the opportunity that will change my life.
I'm not stressed or anxious about my future because it could change in a day and so could yours.

C'est la vie.

Cheers