Everyone should have a goal. long term or short term, I've always felt like while I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going that one day I'd be exactly where I wanted, that one day things owls just magically fall into place and maybe they still will.

I've learnt a really important lesson lately and that's that I can't control everything, as much as I'd really like to, a lot of things going on in my life are not within my control. I can't control more things than I can and while this used to bother me quite a lot, I've grown accustomed to just letting things happen and then I get to actually enjoy it when I control something.

I have goals, I have ideas and ambitions about the things I can control, what I'll become, who I'll love and How to support those I care about. I have 5 long terms goals, things that I'd like to accomplish by the time I die. It's a motivated bucket list.

1. I'd like to own a house. Actually have it as mine and so I can do what I want to it, like put in a swimming pool or something.

2. I'd like to get married, assuming there's someone out there for everyone, even me.

3. I'd like a couple of kids, the idea of that deep attachment to another being is amazing to me, even if I end up adopting, Id like to experience that kind of unconditional love for myself.

4. I'd like to keep writing, a blog with maybe ten loyal readers; who read 90% of my posts is enough for me. I just want to keep this... For me, my creative outlet.

5. I'd like to always be close to my family, I love them with all my heart and they have all, in their own way supported and helped me through stuff. If you could choose family...

I'd choose 2012 Brangelina, right after brad proposed, obviously.

Then I'd choose my family, you know if Brangelina wouldn't have me.

It's good to have things to shoot for even if they're years and years away. They're the things you carry in the back of your mind, the things you hope to happen in your life.

Do you have goals like this?
Anything that could be months or years away, but something that matters to you, that you want for you.

Let me know in the comments down below if you have one of those long term, hopefully one day sort of goals, I'd love to know. 

Cheers

Oxford English Dictionary defines Happy as Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

Okay, the basic feeling of happiness is just that, pleasure or contentment but on a deeper level what does happy mean?

I guess, to me, happy is being loved. Being surrounded by those who love me unconditionally and support me in my life endeavours. Happy is enjoying what I do to earn a living. Happy is really bad jokes that you laugh at because they're so awful. Happy is family, friends and support.

There are definitely times where I'd consider myself not happy. When I have to worry about things that I didn't before, like not having enough money to give my mum a good birthday present or to help pay for things. Like my whole life changing because I wasn't warned about something. Like feeling so alone and lost because too many things have weighed down on my and all at once things fall apart. These are the times where you have to focus on those things that you'd consider you're happy because it's those times that you really need them. You need them so you don't just fall apart.

It's okay to struggle. It is... You know why?

Everybody does.

It's okay to have times where things aren't at all happy because everyone has those moments in life, those pinnacles where things will change but you have to decide whether those changes will be positive or negative. Just try to remember that it's okay. It's hard. I know this first hand but it's okay if you have those things that you consider happy. Your happy people, places, things.

This kind of thought always gets me thinking of questions we used to be asked in school. We always said, when asked where we'd be in ten years the answer was I'll be successful. That's the other one that takes a little more thought. What is success? Being a good friend, parent, person? Excelling in your chosen career and being appreciated for all your hard work?

It's another personal definition.

What do you all consider happiness to be, where does your mind go when you feel low?
I've got a song recommendation today for those of you who are maybe having a down day or those of you seeking some inspiration, this one has me waxing poetic lately.

Billy Locket - Wide Eyed (X)
Give it a listen and let me know down below how it makes you feel.

Cheers

This mornings blog prompt asks me:
What is you're most vivid memory of the kitchen table as a child?

This question takes me back years to a large oval oak dinner table that stood proud place in the middle of our kitchen and held many a Christmas dinner and far too many slightly offensive jokes for me to recount all of. It wasn't just a table. It was a beacon, it was a hub. It was a place to throw my schoolbag while I shucked off my uniform and it was home to hundreds of marks of homework and craft projects; it was home to coffee rings as a central gathering point for family discussions and arguments about inane things.

The kitchen itself bordered a large pale yellow room. Our kitchens where yellow because yellow is happy and bright and it just felt right. We had so much counter space even if half of it would be taken by countless appliances and kitchen gadgets that we managed to acquire over years and some of which we still have.

There is, in existence, years worth of pictures of my relatives gathered around this table. Cousins in nappies and nieces with toy lawn mowers and an incredible amount of love. The dinner table is my most vivid memory of out kitchen as a child. Piling things onto the dinner table where we'd have day long baking sessions and effortlessly moving around my mum and my sister in an endeavour to help, watch, learn, everything.

When we moved (downsized) We had to leave our table behind. We had to leave the memories of everything that happened there with another family. For another family to add to. Our kitchen table (that also had sections to make it even bigger) was like those door frames where you'd measure your height from a young age, we had one of those to and I took several picture before we left. It's the marks you make on things that hold the most sentiment.

I think this is funny because it's ground into you that to write or draw on something is to destroy its worth but with things like tables and door frames is makes them special. The marks of things made them home.

Out kitchen now is about the size of our downstairs toilet at the house but we make it work. We still own some of those wicked appliances that let us make our own sausages and bake until we can't bake anymore. I still adore the moments where Me and Mumma are moving around each other, even in a significantly smaller space. And that always gets me waxing poetic about my family and how much I love them and how different things might have been if one tiny thing had changed, if we'd never moved back from Spain or if dad had stuck around.

That's a conversation for another day.

If found some really great quotes by some really cool people about the kitchen and I thought I'd throw them in here.

I got all my boyhood in vanilla winter waves around the kitchen stove - Jack Kerouac

In examining the potential of individuals, we must focus on their strengths and not just their mistakes. We cannot be limited by what we spill in the kitchen. - William Pollard

I really liked that one.

I started at 5 years old at the kitchen table with my family supporting me. I know where I'm from and I known exactly where I'm going. - Celine Dion

This next one sounds like something I'd do. 

If there's something in the kitchen I like, it must be eaten. I try not to leave any snack I wouldn't want to eat on a daily basis in the cupboard. - Jenna Ushkowitz

This I can relate to on a very deep level.

I've been my mom's kitchen helper since I was a kid. - Taylor Swift.

Since my kitchen is the most important part of my home, I want to be creative and innovative, not only in its aesthetic but also in the tools I'm using. - Blake Lively.

As usual It's time to turn it back onto you marvellous people.
What's your most vivid memory of the kitchen as a child?

Cheers

We're a small family so this isn't all that easy.

We've never really been the family who has huge parties where all of the family comes because when all of the family used to be less than 20 people and more than half of those where cousins who I don't really see anymore.

Our family has grown of late with two arrivals due this year and a whole new section of family via my brothers girlfriend so I suppose now, if we got what I would consider the whole family together it would be considerably larger with Jen's Family and all of my sisters boyfriends family we could probably have enough people to rent out a small village hall with a fair amount of excited children.

In my eyes, family is someone whom you share a bond with and by bond I mean that my blood relate sister had a son with her boyfriend and while I've always considered him family, to me, all of his relations (blood or otherwise) are family to me to. Likewise with my brother, (actually stepbrother but they've been in my life since I was two so it seems inaccurate to call them anything else) his previous marriage gave him two daughters and with his girlfriends kids, her family and a new arrival due this spring would give us a very large gathering, that large in fact that a good portion of those I'd call family wouldn't even know each other.

We're also quite spread out now, I was talking with a very good old friend of mine about this just the other day. We got talking about how after high school everyone just sort of disappears and goes there of their own way and while this hasn't greatly affected me (it's common to not keep in touch with school friends) up until last year it seems that with my other brother now moving away to work his dream job we're spreading out even more.

We've always been close otherwise though, not always geographically but in terms of keeping contact and telling each other things and I've always loved that and while that's not changed too much it has become apparent that distance isn't always conducive to keeping close relationships.

It's hard having grown up to close with my sister for her to now be halfway across the country and while I've not had the same relationship with my other brother, I must admit it will be quite strange to not have him around again.

I don't think I had a favourite relative growing up and if I had to pinpoint one, I'd probably say one of the 11 of 12 cousins that I had because we where almost the same age and bonded over boys or something.

Again I'm going to turn the questions back now.

As a kid was there any one relative that you loved more than everyone else, a grandparent or a cool auntie perhaps?

Cheers

We've owned some pretty cool things in our family.

My step dad knows a lot of people who deal antiques and that means that he's bought home some pretty interesting things.

The first one to note is a pub slot machine.

This is mum on her first go. We used it as a change pot mostly, we'd gather up anything under 50p and use put it in until we ran out. It was one of those things that was completely ridiculous and a hell a lot of fun. It was moved around the house once or twice too, started in the kitchen then into the living room where my niece would get the coins out the bottom and put them in her dress like a pocket.

The second thing of note was an electric organ. I'm mad that I couldn't find a picture that I took of our organs but it looked a little something like this.  We kept ours in the garden because we really didn't have anywhere else to put it and when we had to get rid of it I kept the Wurlitzer badge that is in a box of mementos along with a stupid flexi-pencil thing from some museum and a tissue paper colour chart when I made in school.

Another few things that include our oak chest of draws on which sits our TV. along with mountains and mountains on wool for mum and embroidery thread for me. Another - easily - £100 worth of sewing supplies of which we made fantastic use of.

It's one of those times, and my step dad is one of those prime examples of - It's not what you know, it's who you know. He's one of those people who knows someone everywhere we go. He's been to The Flogit! Presenters house (Paul Martin) to talk about some cool old stuff. He's also met a number of known TV Presenters of shows like Antiques Road trip such as Charlie Ross, whose is lovely, apparently. I'm sure to some of you reading this will mean nothing but to us, in this house...
For us, who are subjected to these TV shows over dinner that much that we kinda enjoy it, it's kinda cool.

There's a lot of things that you might not know about your closest friends, the thing is, you just have to ask. If you want to know something, ask me. I might take a little time to formulate and answer or tell you that it's hard to talk about but usually I'll give you an answer. I'd say I'm quite a trusting person and if you've earned it, I'm an open book.

Trust is important and it's hard sometimes to put that trust in people who are relative strangers but when you put your trust in the right people, friendships are born.

Trust me.

Cheers

I never really thought I had a reason to blog, I'm not famous and I'm not suffering from nothing life threatening. I don't really have a story.

I guess initially it was a way for me to get my feelings out. I write when I need to make sense of something or because I just need to express it and if that is then posted then you all get to read the inner workings of my conscious mind.

I think now though, it's evolved from that. It still is a way or me to talk through everything with the imaginary being on the other side, and for that it's pretty therapeutic but it's also becoming more about connection.There's so much noise in life. TV and film, magazines and who's been photo shopped and why? There's so much distraction from what, in essence, I believe everyone is truly craving.

Genuine human connection.

I'm going to bare my soul a little here. I'm surround by people I love, my family and friends are everything but sometimes I'm still lonely. I'm single and I have been for, ohhh... Three years, going on, thing is I'm honestly perfectly happy on my own with no one else to worry about (anyone who knows me well can attest). I just think as I'm hurtling towards 25 at a speed of life that I'd not think I can keep up with, half of my school friends are either engaged, married or have kids and I'm sitting back here, behind my desk wondering what the actual hell just happened. Did I blink and miss the part where my life is supposed to happen? Did I take the wrong turn and miss meeting the person who will change my life or is that just me?

They say if you don't like something to change it. Only you have control over your life.

Excuse my Explicit language. I think this is bollocks.

Sure, on some level as you're growing up there are 10X more things that you can control about your life that you couldn't when you were a kid, like your bedtime and when you eat but sometimes, but even at 22 there are 100 more things about my life that I can't control and I think,  I need to remember that I can't control everything and for now that's okay, a few more years and just maybe I'll be where I think I should be. Maybe I'll be right here, but that's okay too.

I guess the reason I started this blog was to get my thoughts out but I think if i can make just one person read one of these things and go 'uhh, you know what, I'm a bit like that and that makes me feel better' then I'm on a good track.

I'd love to know what you guys are think about this, any of what's above here and you're more than welcome to throw some comments down below.

Cheers.

I'm not paid much as a career. I'm not moaning because I do get a set amount of money a week and it's enough to sustain my lifestyle which if I'm honest is very nice.

What I mean is that although £60 a week seems like it might be a lot, with bills and things that I pay and contribute to the household there's not much left for me to save for presents and other things this time of year and it has proved to be a little stressful I think I've coped quite well this year given the addition of a whole new section of family and a siblings girlfriend added to the Christmas list.

I've spent what I needed to and saved on some by hand making some presents this year which is really a win win because people love homemade things and I've only really had to buy a frame for a couple of pieces.

In all honesty though I still feel like my presents are going to be underwhelming in comparison to what everyone else gives everyone else and I know they say it's not about how much it has cost and that's fine in theory but in our pretty materialistic world the value of something is often reflected in the cost. I just want them to know I've tired my best. The men in out family aren't super easy to shop for but I've tried really hard with gifts this year, for the gifts to be thoughtful or funny and just to be enjoyed, practical uses or otherwise.

Now I want to know how you've saved money this year or whether you've splurged for your love ones this year and whether you had a time finding gifts this year. Throw some comments down below and we'll get a discussion going.

Cheers and Merry Bloody Christmas.

I was literally crying not ten minutes ago.

Why?

Onions. Pickling Onions to be specific because it's the time of year where one might set to preparing pickling onions in time for Christmas and that's the kind of thing we do in our house so I was crying earlier.

I always think in those moments where I'm stood shoulder to shoulder with mum int he kitchen and we're prepping or cleaning or cooking. I think in those moments how different my whole life you be if the roles of my blended family were reversed. I think how different it would be if it were mum who'd left and not dad. I think about how different my life would be with out mum. The answer is actually pretty awful.

From Left: Mum, Me and Nicole (My Sister)

I'm a lot like my mum, I'm really glad about that too. She's caring and compassionate. Funny and very pretty. She's so strong and occasionally a little too stubborn for her own good.

She knows we love her and that without her me and my sister wouldn't be who we are and sometime I am so grateful for those moments where we move round each other in our tiny little kitchen with ease because we've done it so many times and where would be I without those moments where we get to just hang out albeit, sometimes unproductive and filled with Minecraft.

Still. I think it's really important to think about the what ifs of life.
What if we never moved back from Spain and I grew up there?
What if I didn't go the High school that I did?
What if I stayed at sixth form instead of going to college?

I think about these and I couldn't keep count of the number of people whom I'd never have met if not for where I went to school or lived.

-

On a more serious note.

I had an emotional meltdown yesterday. Full on temper tantrum. I'm 22 years old but sometimes my mood swings are crazy and so am I... hehe .

It was over something ridiculous too. Something I know I could have done if I'd just stopped and breathed and thought for a second but instead, I cried and gave up and had a nice hot bath to relax.
Then I apologised to mum whom I'd cried to and snapped at because I'm actually still a four year old at heart and can't handle things sometimes.

When was the last time you cried? Was it happy or sad or silly?

Throw me a comment down below and we'll chat about it.

Cheers.