Throughout my life I've always been he kind of girl who wanted to please everyone, be a good friend and do things for others even if I didn't really want to or know how to. Some old friends would be more than happy to tell you that I've always tried to please everyone and that I'll try to avoid conflict where possible, my job as a mediator in year 11 at high school was a direct result of this behaviour.

2011 - That's me in the dead centre, where I always pretended I wanted to be. (I don't know whose hand that is?)

I thought I needed to be pretty and thin and sporty to be popular at school, I thought that I needed to be all those things to have a boyfriend. I had a few in the 4 years at high school and I remember almost all of them and sometimes when I look back I think about the ones I broke up with. There's one that stands out that I think I made a mistake breaking up him with and in fact I did it because I was young, and scared of feelings.

Still kinda am...

Hard truth?

I seek approval in every part of my life from basically everyone.
I always have and might continue to for the rest of my life.
I know it's not entirely healthy behaviour and while I talk a good game, I'm wildly insecure about almost everything. I have to laugh at that, not only because it's 100% true but also it's a little sad that I still feel like I'm not enough.

I am enough.

While the mainstream media used to teach us that we had to look a certain way, and now tries to back track on that and teach us to love ourselves no matter how we look, it's never quite worked with me.

Confidence is sexy, you'll find a man if your are confident.
How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself first?

It's always been drilled into me that I needed to exude confidence like pheromones if I was to attract a mate. I'm 22, and parts of me jiggle when I laugh!
They're jiggling now because I'm laughing at the word jiggle.

Why is it so hard to let go of what people think?

I wonder what people think when I'm walking down the street, if people look at my clothes in disgust. I make an effort to dress well everyday, even if I'm not really going out. I make an effort with my appearance, while I've always said it makes me feel good, I don't want people to judge me, inwardly or otherwise. I guess, thinking of a post from a few days ago about long terms #goals I should add to that, the acceptance of myself. I am making changes but changing my opinion of myself may take a little more time.

You know what though, I'll get there. The one thing I am confident in is my ability to grow. I've grown so much since high school, not just width ways, but in how I see the world. The world is changing along with me and I love it.

Is there anyone in your life who you still seek approval from? Someone you know you maybe shouldn't react to when they use a judging tone but it still hurts? I'm here to talk and if you want to message me privately about really anything, you can email me at - cristinagore@hotmail.com

I'm friendly and I don't bite I promise.

Cheers